Sunday, December 11, 2011

3 years before I hit 30!

 This is somewhat a sort of tradition for me everytime my day comes. I write about how my year went and show my gratitude to the people who mean alot to me. I am officially 3 years away before hitting the big 30! And the countdown begins. 

My 26th year was a mixture of both good and bad. There were unexpected twists and turns and well I had to charge it to experience. ...

I have met alot of different people in the years of my existence. Yes, we can never please everybody.  I have come to realize that this phrase is true for me. Even if you have been good to someone it is never an assurance that you'll leave them impressed. 

There will always be people who have something to say about you. I'm just glad that I never dared to be anyone else whenever I meet people. 

I can't THANK YOU enough to the friends that I have had since then up until now. 

The times might have changed us and I am really thankful that you guys are still around - good times and bad times. 

Thanks to those who hated me. You made me stronger.
Thanks to those who loved me. You made my heart go fonder.
Thanks to those who cared. You made me feel important.
Thanks to those who entered my life. 
You made who I am today.
Thanks to those who left. 
You showed me nothing last forever.
Thanks to those who stayed. 
You showed me true friendship.
Thanks to those who listened. 
You made me like I was worth it.

If there's one more thing that I have learned is that  I will always have my FAMILY no matter what.

I really don't have the perfect relationship with my parents and my siblings. Its always been a mixture of LOVE-HATE but maybe that is how we complement each other. That's what makes our bond a cut above the rest, our imperfections make our relationship stronger. I love you, Mama and Pops...

THANK YOU for always being there for me and Wan. I love you James and Patrick, I maybe a bitchy sister but I am the first person who always got your backs...and you guys know that I love you both very much.

As the years went by, I am honest enough to admit that I lost a few important ones along the way. And I came to a point that I accepted the fact that maybe that is how things are. My relationship with them had a life span, it ended there and maybe, their part in my life is already done. I don't want to carry that grudge along the way, I already did my part in forgiving them and forgiving myself. Despite this, I always wish them well.

....Up to this very day I am still a work in progress.  I always appreciate people who correct me and my mistakes. I never took it against them and instead I take it constructively. 

At least I am aware of what I should be avoiding or habits that I should get rid of. You see, changes don't happen overnight. For some it takes years and a lot of courage to do it. 

I want to change. 

And even if I fall down a couple of times in trying to do so, I will not cut that eagerness in me to do so! I have alot on my list and I am starting now. :) Thank you to those who never fail to correct me. I know that you are doing this because you want me to IMPROVE myself inorder to become a much better person. 

THANK YOU for giving me all the reasons not to QUIT improving myself. What I am today is because of that little man I have in my life right now that my world revolves upon. HE changed me. And I LOVED IT. HE made me realize the strength that I thought did not exist. 

Above it all, I am just THANKFUL for the TONS of blessings that I have this year. As for the lovelife, I dunno. I might as well stick to the plan God has for me. 

Whether or not God will give that to me, I AM STILL THANKFUL. I wish nothing but to be HAPPIER next year. I know not everyday will be good but then again I might as well enjoy the ride.


Friday, November 25, 2011

Friday night blues.

Its been a while since my last post. I am honestly itching to blog about what's been happening to me. But the fact remains that I when I found work, I didn't have the time anymore. I can't call it luck but it seems that I was destined to be with the "split shift". One of my friends told me that I will miss bumming around when the real work begins and sad to say she was right. I kinda missed bumming around. 

So how am I lately? I am fine. I am keeping it together for the past 3 months that I have been here. Holding it tough, keeping it cool. I have only have one thing in my mind everyday as each new day begins... FOCUS. FOCUS. No distractions, just FOCUS. I need to stick to my goals because this is the last card that I am holding. I shouldn't fuck it up anymore. As I write this, I know my relatives are probably going to read this and make a remark that they don't believe in what I say... well, that is their JUDGEMENT and I don't fucking care what you think of me, really. I don't need your approval and I don't need your unsolicited advice on how to live my life cos for once, I think you should first make sure that your hands are clean before you point your finger at me. 

In 2009, I got the biggest challenge of my lifetime. I can already see the bigger picture. Without hesitations, I embraced it, I accepted it. My adventures in motherhood was never easy but I loved every minute of it. Tough times are always inevitable, but I always tell myself that I can do this. In the long run, I found the message HE was trying to get through to me... that I should VALUE my family. That when everything else fails, they are the only ones who will be there for you no matter what. 

Then came 2011, I met my second challenge...I got an offer I can't refuse. I couldn't say NO because I know I needed this... not for me but for the little person who changed the way I looked at my life. Second, I want to have my self esteem back... the ME whom I missed - the determined, career driven ME. After all, its always rewarding to see yourself fulfilling your dreams with something that is out of hard work! Its always priceless. But then again, HE asked me to SACRIFICE.  The first 2 months was hell. I always tell myself that I can do this every day but then again I'd end up crying when the rest of the world is fast asleep. Asking myself... Is this the right decision? Does this make me a bad mother to leave my son behind and risk the fact that I might become a total stranger to him? This is a new challenge to test my DETERMINATION and my PATIENCE....the price I should pay inorder to give my son a better life. Even if I know that its hurting, here I am embracing the challenge. The months don't matter, its the days I can't take sometimes especially when you wake up every day motivated and smiling even if the longing is killing me inside. 

I am not the perfect daughter. I am the "bitchy" sister. I am the stubborn one. I do things my way. I don't like pleasing other people. I am very HONEST about who I am. But despite all this, I am the person who is never afraid to make a mistake. And up to this very day I am still a work in progress... especially in terms of RESPONSIBILITY.  But the only good thing about me is that I never stop trying to improve myself. I may fail a hundred times in my attempts but I'll never quit even if I get to start all over again. A lot has happened to me and there have been instances that I have lost important people along the way, but I am still standing. Although, there is one thing I am sure of...  I maybe a bad person for some but I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER. 

I never had the right to ask HIM why of all the people in the world HE always gives me the tough ones. I guess HE knows I can handle this. HE know I am strong enough to endure it. This might sound cliche but I TRUST HIM because I know HE has that perfect plan for me. =) For now, I don't know what that is... I guess I just have to enjoy the ride.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Greener Pastures.

Its been months since my last post. I have been, once again, caught up with work and life itself. Somehow it is really different when you are working again plus juggling with the daily routines with your everyday. Now this begins my OFW Diary.

I left the Philippines a few days ago to search for a much "greener pasture" in the arid lands of the Middle East. And with this great leap forward, I made a huge sacrifice of leaving my son behind. Both my parents are OFWs and I am not new to this scenario anymore. As a kid, I don't recall crying my heart out cos my Mom or Dad was leaving, they left me when I was only 3 months old. All I can remember was having these "strangers" come and visit me at least once or twice a year. And as I grew up, I told myself that I didn't want that to happen to me when the time comes that I'd become a parent.

Months before my departure, I have consciously conditioned myself to the upcoming situation. Every night before we sleep, I lay awake crying my heart out. And then that one night came, I finally had the guts to sit with him and talk. My son sat in front of me, looking at me with his big round eyes. I had the feeling that he sensed that I had something to tell him.

I told him that I was leaving soon and that he should be good boy while I will be away. The first words that came out of his mouth was, "Upod, baby!" (Upod is an Ilonggo word for COME or to come). At that moment I was surprised that my son understood what I meant at his young age. I just felt that pang of sadness bursting inside of me and I just cried for the nth time.

Leaving my son was the only choice that I had. Sure I had an online job and I work at home, but what I earn isn't enough to sustain us both and well, I had no savings at all. This was the choice I had on my grasp and opportunities like this don't come around often. I had to grab it before its too late.

Even if I couldn't handle the airport drama pretty well, I did my best to hold back the tears that I had left to cry. All I could think of is his smell, his laugh, his little hands, his warmth and the look on his big round eyes. If I submit myself to my weakness of being away from him, I might never have this opportunity come my way again. But I keep my mindset positive...

Positive. Positive.

This is for his future and nothing else.
This is for us.

This is for Wan.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Mommy Moments Thursday -- Here Comes the Baby!

mommy moments

Another Mommy Moment on a Thursday!

I was actually overdue for 2 weeks when I decided to have an Induction of Labor. Besides the fact that I already felt excited to see my son, I feared the fact that he might eat his poop or otherwise called Meconium Aspiration. I think you know the feeling of being exhausted and excited at the same time -- well, that's exactly how I felt! I checked in January 10 and underwent 3 days of induced labor without even undergoing the actual labor. I felt no pain at all and I only got as far as 4cm. I finally met my little Wan on January 14, 2009 at 9:47 pm via Caesarean Section.
I saw him the next day after I got fully rested and all. When I finally got to hold him inside the breastfeeding room, our first meeting was breathless. It was surreal. I couldn't believe it myself that I am actually holding my own son -- my very own flesh and blood. The first thing I did was check his whole body -- his fingers, his toes, his eyes, his skin, his ears -- then I smelled him. He was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my lifetime. I knew it, I was in love.

Wan was discharged a day after I got out. He had to stay for awhile until his being yellowish subsided. His first night went well. He wasn't a colicky baby. He cries when he's hungry. He sleeps most of the time. To sum it all up, I never had a hard time on him. I did not get him used to carrying and rocking him when he sleeps. Instead, he sleeps on my chest while I pat his back.

Motherhood caught me off guard. But I have to be tough. I have to be strong for that little boy who's counting on me. I discovered the world of parenting on my own without a partner and a yaya to help me through. It was a challenge that I soon got to love along the way. I was hands on and even if I got tired, just seeing him sleep makes me forget about the worries, the fears and the anxieties that I have. Yet, indeed they can't be babies forever.

Its just priceless seeing him grow up each day and not missing out on his sloppy firsts.
He's already in the world of terrible TWO and one curious George!

Having my son is the most beautiful accident that has ever happened to me... it was a blessing in disguise. It has surely changed my outlook and gave my life a 360 degree turn. I already found my reason to wake up each day with much enthusiasm, to strive harder and to never give up the battles that lie ahead of us.

There will be good days and bad days, but we'll get through. =)
I have found my piece of heaven on earth and the only person who can love me forever.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Happy Mother's Day!

Motherhood is a lifetime job without pay --
you endure 9 months carrying a human being in your belly,
wake up in the wee hours of the morning,
deal with their tantrums, clean their mess,
and never sleep when they are sick.
With these in tow, you cannot resign.

Then you'll unconsciously forget about yourself...
you'd careless with the way you look, wouldn't mind the latest fashion trend,
gain weight and yes, you will feel ugly.
But when you see those eager little eyes looking at you with that toothless grin,
all these insecurities just melts away like ice.
And suddenly, you are the most beautiful woman in the whole world!
Nobody said that motherhood was easy,
but you wouldn't trade the the sloppy kisses, little hugs,
the beautiful memories and yes, the unconditional love
for anything in the world!

To my Mom,
Thank you so much for all the patience and the support
that you have given me through the years of my existence.
Our relationship has always been love-hate
and we argue most of the time,
but now I understand you perfectly.
And I love you even more!

Happy Mother's Day
to all the SUPERMOMS I know!


Friday, April 29, 2011

Mommy Moments Thursday -- Noir et Blanc

mommy moments

Another Mommy Moment on the last Friday of April 2011:
Noir et Blanc

I decided to post Wan's first pics when he was only a few days old.
I was running through some old photos and I stumbled upon this.

It just amazes me how time flies.
Now here is my little boy on his black and white outfit.

So how did your Mommy Moment go?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Mommy Moments Thursday -- RAINBOW BRIGHTS!

mommy moments

Another Mommy Moment Thursday!!!
The topic was just awesome and here is our entry.
I collected all of Wan's pics over the past months wearing his bright colorful outfit.

I always loved BRIGHT COLORS for my little boy.
It just makes him stand out!

Another is his collection of multicolored kicks.

Yes, I am a shoeaholic Mum.
And my little boy takes it from me.

Wan's a Book Worm at heart as well.

These are his personal faves.

We are just gaga over Eric Carle.
We love his books so much especially the bright colorful pictures!
Happy Mommy Moments!

I am sorry for the super late post.
I thought it was already published.
It turned out that I hit the SAVE AS DRAFT button.

Cheers to all the Super Mummies!