loving the water --- Wan's Saturday dippin'

his slippers fit already...

Dinagyang 2010 -- Hala Bira, Iloilo!

My little man all smiling while we eat breakfast at Jollibee

Taking shots with my little man tucked in his babypouch...
He doesn't wanna miss his first Dinagyang!

Cheers!

To my little boy.

Dear Wan,

By the time you can read this you might be around 15–18 years old. This is just one of the many letters and notes that Mum has in store for you. Today is your very special day; you came into this world at 9:47pm last Jan. 14, 2009 via Caesarean Section. Mummy was a bit too excited to see you after 3 days of Induced Labor and still feeling painless despite all that medicine.

Today marks your 1st year of life, first year of existence. Mummy is so proud that we have come this far together. You have become a very smart and intelligent little boy. Mummy is very proud of all your big achievements, sloppy firsts and milestones. That makes me realize how lucky I am to be your number one and greatest fan of all time. You have brought a different kind of joy and happiness and best of all… you made my life more meaningful as I struggle to live each day of it. Having you made me realize how different my life has become. At some point I could no longer see that selfish side of me, since now I put you first in line of my priorities before myself.

Thank you for bringing a smile to me, Mama and Papa’s face. A smile that makes me all teary eyed and proud of what you have become day by day. At 5 months, you already know how to clap your hands. The song Itsy Bitsy Spider has become your favorite as well as I Have Two Hands and the Alphabet Song. I remember so well that look you have in your eyes whenever we sing that song to you. You never hesitate to show what you’ve got. This makes me think that I gave birth to a multitalented performer. There are times that Mummy still hasn’t got over your “baby phase”, seems like time is short. You have grown so fast that sometimes I catch myself in awe at every new thing that you do by yourself. At an early age, you have been very friendly and very affectionate to people who adore you. You like making them smile.

Amidst all the hardships and difficulties that Mummy has to go through every day, Mummy is still your SUPERMUM. It’s a big world out there and I will do the best I can to keep you safe, protect you and guide you every step of the way. I will try my best to be always there whenever you need me cos at the end of the day it’s always just the two of us. I know that there are things that are hard to explain to you at this moment, but I promise you that when the right time comes I will tell you everything.

I will do everything that I can to give you the best of what this life has to offer, alongside with it is Mama, Papa, Uncle Pat and Uncle James who loves you twice as much.

We love you so much.

Happy Birthday, my one and only!

Love,

Mummy =)

Tadddaaaah! *drum rolls*

I never thought that being a mother would entitle you to a much hyped up mood and being overly obsessed with your little one.

I am proud. I am happy.

I have never been so fulfilled in my life that the zest and enthusiasm just overflows. Sometimes you find yourself over reacting on the little things he does. The look in your kid's eyes just makes your heart melt like ice cream. And you just can't stop smoooching him every minute. I know I am becoming a sucker for my little fella... One minute they were just tiny little sea monkeys then now he's learning how to grab my hair and pinch me. And he screams now. I am amazed and I am enjoying every minute of his "babyhood". They grow up fast... One day I might just blink and miss and poof! He'll be telling me that he wants to get a tattoo.

Today, I got my little boy's passport! Yey!

We are set to go!

I even bought my little guy a pasalubong...

He looks adorable and he's too obvious that he loves it!!!
Posing posing pa!

Cheers!

the trick is to keep breathing...

Yuan is now 7 months old, each day I am thankful that nothing as "worst" as what happened last May 2009 has happened. My little boy has strawberry hemangioma, 3 of them to be exact - on his chest, on his butt cheeks and inside his lower eyelid. They just popped out of his skin when Yuan turned 1 month, I have been told about how to take care of it and over all I shouldn't worry too much cos hemangiomas usually fade as the child grows up. I also did my part in researching, opening up my Nursing books so I could get infos about hemangiomas as much as I could. It wasn't genetic at all. The ratio is one to three children out of a hundred born everyday gets this and unfortunately Yuan was one of them. In less than five percent of children, the hemangioma can leave a divot in the skin during its fading away phase and in our case it happened...

Yuan@2monthsold, his strawberry hemangioma starting to grow

So I didn't worry, I took care of Yuan's birthmark from possible abrasions, cutsand such. Up until one day last May 2009, his yaya noticed his birth mark was sort of peeling off (in other term NAMAMALAT or GAPAMANIT, I forgot the term in english), so I didn't mind thinking that maybe my child's hemangioma is undergoing its "fade away" phase like I read in the Internet. I just noticed one day that his hemangioma was slowly ulcerating by itself...

This is how Yuan's hemangioma started to be like by May 2009. It was slowly progressing rapidly until the whole birth mark was an open ulceration like a bedsore. I lost Yuan's hemangioma's actual photo during that time but it was worst looking than this. Later it was slowly secreting pus and started to smell. I took him to another Pedia here in Iloilo, a Pediatric Surgeon and he advised me that somehow Yuan is still lucky cos his birth mark is superficial and not inside his organs. He gave us Bactroban for application on the open ulcer so it wont getinfected, the funny part was he didn't specify what kind of Bactroban we should be getting -- OINTMENT or CREAM. So I brought the ointment and to my dismay, his hemangioma is still becoming agressive.

June 2009, I took the advice of his Ninang Em-Em to try and see a Dermatologist, we did after a week, visited Dr. Ascalon-Celiz. And somehow she had calmed me. What happened to Yuan's hemangioma is somewhat rare for hemangioma cases - some undergo ulceration and others do not. origin, its just like they cut open The saddest part of it is that the causes for ulceration are of unknown by themselves. She gave me an option for treatment - to do laser surgery or having the child undergo laser therapy. Although she still didn't want to let Yuan undergo steroid therapy cos he's too young and the downside of Steroid therapy can be harmful to the child (my brother has Renal Failure and his steroid therapy affected him so much too, since it hindered his growth and his puberty) and my mom also opposed. Dr. Ascalon-Celiz advised us to wait a little more, to observe the ulceration better and if I noticed that its becoming aggressive, like its boring in, we came back to her and discuss our mode of treatment. She also advised me to continue putting Bactroban Ointment. I was worried about his hemangioma that time cos my family is arriving and I don't want them to think that I neglected Yuan.

My little fella can still manage to smile

By the time my family arrived in June 27, 2009 Yuan's hemangioma was still the same. They respond to the Bactroban Ointment for only a limited period of time,they dry up, leave scab (in ilonggo, KUGAN) and then secrete (still) pus and now they smelled foul. I pity Yuan that time cos you can't hold him on the chest areacos you might be pressing his wound, like what happened one Sunday when weheard mass. I accidentally placed in in a position that pressed his wound, he cried endlessly and we ended up buying a stroller.

His hemangioma on aggressive ulceration stage, June 27, 2009

I couldn't bare seeing my kid in that kind of state. You feel useless cos you know you can't do anything to stop the pain, to stop the wound from digging deeper. It came to a point when you just couldn't bare looking at his wound. I could justimagine the pain that agonizes him, all the discomforts he might be feeling... You pray harder than ever and then you ask yourself why did this happen to your child, why didn't it happen to you instead...I felt guilty somehow cos I didn't know what to do, even if you are of medical background when its your child, you panic and you go blank.

My mom brought a Bactroban Cream and we tried it instead of the ointment,seeing that they doing respond to it very well... And just like that, along with prayers answered, Yuan's hemangioma slowly healed one day at a time...

This was the last photo I took of his hemangioma, this was last July 27, 2009. Itook a shot of it after we paid his dermatologist a visit, so that she could note
progress of Yuan's hemangioma. Doc said he is lucky cos it healed quickly by itself.

This is the latest pic of his healed hemangioma as of August-September 2009, its not that clear cos I was using my fone's camera when my DSLR ran out of batteries...

So we were saved from Steroid Therapy! Yey! Wan's much better now but still I am on full alert... Thank you to everyone who have prayed and loved this little boy since day one, the Ninongs and Ninangs, Salamat gid! He's a fighter all right!

the aftermath of diet pills and excessive obsession of being thin

This is exactly how I have been becoming lately. I feel like all my energy, creativity and ideas have been sucked out of me. Leaving me all helpless. All blank. I have nothing left of me.

Wala na lahat.

Everyday I go online, browsing and browsing some more just to make my mind work. I feel so useless. Its all blank. Blank. Blank. I miss the days when I am all hyped up to shoot. Its been almost a year that I haven't captured a good picture (with exception of Yuan's moments). Sometimes I browse through some of my friends' pages and other people's pages too, I stare at their photos, green with envy. How I wish I still have some of my own. Much as I want to, I lack the inspiration. Which made me think...

am I losing my touch?

I think I am slowly becoming idle. Seeing myself decomposing piece by piece. So empty. I need inspiration. I need my old self again. And then I stop and think again...maybe all that I need is a shag? *Hahahaahahaha!*...more roaring laughter! Maybe I need to get laid. Okay, enough. I have all my reasons to be cynical about love, life, money and everything! And all I could do is roll my eyes. Now, I am being silly again. I have to shake these thoughts out of my head.


"You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ..Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off." -----The Fight Club


I think I should begin reading Chuck Palahniuk.

*Cheers*

over the course of Grey's Anatomy Season 3 marathon...

Today Cory Aquino is to be buried in Manila Memorial Park, tonight actually! Condolences and you will be missed, Cory! May you have the peace you deserve, He has taken all your pain away. May you rest in peace...and so to Peter's cousin - his Manong Bongbong and Nang DC June, may you both rest in peace as well..

Going back, today's rain-and-shine drama just made me all lazy. It's me and Yuan's 3rd day camping out in the living room. And the whole afternoon I was glued to my laptop watching with full concentration Grey's Anatomy Season 3. I am at the 19th episode I guess, before I come to an end by episode 25. While I was on a break and Grey's Anatomy was on a pause, me and my little fella got back to practicing his daily how-to's and today was the "close-open" day. He's done a great job... And I was lucky enough to capture it this afternoon...you can see the concentration in his face, he is all focused!

You can't even interrupt him. Oh my, my little man is learning fast. And after that, he made his usual ritual after a job well done. He clapped to himself.

...and then this little boy gives out his well-achieved all out smile because he knows he's done some good work today! Hoooooray!

I am sooo proud of my little fella! =) I know he has more of these sloppy firsts to come...And I am enjoying every minute of it!