Friday, November 25, 2011

Friday night blues.

Its been a while since my last post. I am honestly itching to blog about what's been happening to me. But the fact remains that I when I found work, I didn't have the time anymore. I can't call it luck but it seems that I was destined to be with the "split shift". One of my friends told me that I will miss bumming around when the real work begins and sad to say she was right. I kinda missed bumming around. 

So how am I lately? I am fine. I am keeping it together for the past 3 months that I have been here. Holding it tough, keeping it cool. I have only have one thing in my mind everyday as each new day begins... FOCUS. FOCUS. No distractions, just FOCUS. I need to stick to my goals because this is the last card that I am holding. I shouldn't fuck it up anymore. As I write this, I know my relatives are probably going to read this and make a remark that they don't believe in what I say... well, that is their JUDGEMENT and I don't fucking care what you think of me, really. I don't need your approval and I don't need your unsolicited advice on how to live my life cos for once, I think you should first make sure that your hands are clean before you point your finger at me. 

In 2009, I got the biggest challenge of my lifetime. I can already see the bigger picture. Without hesitations, I embraced it, I accepted it. My adventures in motherhood was never easy but I loved every minute of it. Tough times are always inevitable, but I always tell myself that I can do this. In the long run, I found the message HE was trying to get through to me... that I should VALUE my family. That when everything else fails, they are the only ones who will be there for you no matter what. 

Then came 2011, I met my second challenge...I got an offer I can't refuse. I couldn't say NO because I know I needed this... not for me but for the little person who changed the way I looked at my life. Second, I want to have my self esteem back... the ME whom I missed - the determined, career driven ME. After all, its always rewarding to see yourself fulfilling your dreams with something that is out of hard work! Its always priceless. But then again, HE asked me to SACRIFICE.  The first 2 months was hell. I always tell myself that I can do this every day but then again I'd end up crying when the rest of the world is fast asleep. Asking myself... Is this the right decision? Does this make me a bad mother to leave my son behind and risk the fact that I might become a total stranger to him? This is a new challenge to test my DETERMINATION and my PATIENCE....the price I should pay inorder to give my son a better life. Even if I know that its hurting, here I am embracing the challenge. The months don't matter, its the days I can't take sometimes especially when you wake up every day motivated and smiling even if the longing is killing me inside. 

I am not the perfect daughter. I am the "bitchy" sister. I am the stubborn one. I do things my way. I don't like pleasing other people. I am very HONEST about who I am. But despite all this, I am the person who is never afraid to make a mistake. And up to this very day I am still a work in progress... especially in terms of RESPONSIBILITY.  But the only good thing about me is that I never stop trying to improve myself. I may fail a hundred times in my attempts but I'll never quit even if I get to start all over again. A lot has happened to me and there have been instances that I have lost important people along the way, but I am still standing. Although, there is one thing I am sure of...  I maybe a bad person for some but I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER. 

I never had the right to ask HIM why of all the people in the world HE always gives me the tough ones. I guess HE knows I can handle this. HE know I am strong enough to endure it. This might sound cliche but I TRUST HIM because I know HE has that perfect plan for me. =) For now, I don't know what that is... I guess I just have to enjoy the ride.